I'm in Minneapolis, MN. I've been here for a few days, while Melissa flew
back to Philly. Yes, it was time for another one of our vacations from our
A few days ago we were in Red Wing, Minnesota. Some of you know that I like
watching movies. I tend to go to quite a few. Now that i'm out in the real
world here, things are constantly reminding me of movies I've seen. So,
probably twice a day I'll say to Melissa, "Oh! have you seen (insert any
movie title here)?" Melissa, however does not like watching movies and 95%
of the time responds with, "no." Actually i've realized, if the movie i'm
thinking of isn't Tommy Boy, Willy Wonka, something by Kevin Smith, Dune, or
a movie about beauty pageants, to just keep my mouth shut, since odds are
she hasn't seen it. Luckily, Drop Dead Gorgeous is a film about beauty
pageants, so we both were equally apalled by the following real life
situation. Most of you probably have not seen Drop Dead Gorgeous as it was
a little seen dark comedy that didn't make much money and well, wasn't
really oscar quality, but if you have you are lucky b/c you probably will
find the following story much more amusing than the rest fo the population.
We walked out of the library in Red Wing, Minnesota around 12:30 and two
high school age girls walked by with sashes. I looked down the other side
of the street and there were two more walking towards us with the white
satin sashes. I looked at Melissa and we both whispered, "ohmygod!
pageant!" Now see the movie takes place in beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota
and after hanging out in the town square as the young women did there
"presentation" phase of the pageant we realized that the movie we thought of
as a parody was really more like a documentary. From the committee members
telling us in thick Minnesota accents that this is the largest "scholarship
program" (never refer to it as a pageant) in Minnesota to the emcee exalting
that she was Miss Red Wing 1989, real life became funnier than fiction.
There even was a John Doe who walked up to us and said in a fake shocked
voice, "what do we have here, a picnic?" Meanwhile you know he had it in
big red letters on his calendar and has been x-ing off the days for the past
month. It was a little creepy having him stand behind us, but it was worth
it to be witness to the following conversation:
Old guy (around 95) hobbling towards us screams in a crotchety voice:
"What's going on?!"
Pedophile in the same fake voice: "I don't know i was just passing by, but
they said lunch was $6 and that i could stick around b/c something was going
to happen." long pause and then begins again: "Looks like these two girls
(melissa and me) have found the only shady spot in the whole square."
Old guy: "HEH???!!"
Pedophile: "LOOKS LIKE THESE TWO HAVE FOUND THE ONLY SHADY SPOT IN THE
Old guy: "HEH?! THEY'RE SHADY?!"
We then got to see each girl go up and give their presentation which
consisted of this speech (please read in a minnesota cheerleading accent)
"Hi, I'm Patricia Bauer, my parents are John and Carol Bauer, this fall i
will be attending the University of Minnesota at Duluth. At this time I'd
like to thank my sponsor Bauer construction supplies...where we build power
The only downer of the event was that there were about 15 8 year old girls
running around getting the contestants' autographs. I wanted to sceam out,
"no! these are not your role models! WE should be your role models." but
then i caught myself as i was rising up to declare this because what was i
going to say, "Be like us b/c we slept on the ground last night, haven't
been to work in 3 months and ate pb&j for dinner yesterday?" I had to
succumb to the realization that my lone voice cannot fight against the
influence of Seventeen magazine, MTV, and the pageant committee of Red Wing.
Ahh, the committee members - each one in their matching white sleveless
polo shirts with navy blue shorts. One of my favorite quotes from a committe
member was, "yes, the queen is pretty much the good will ambassador for the
town of Red Wing during the year of her reign." Why? To smooth over that
nasty little border dispute you had back in '95 with Wisconsin? To work on
building peace with Canada? Come on!
And so ends my rant. I am sorry if I have offended any hidden Miss
Willoughby, Ohio's out there.
Hope everyone is doing well.